Am I Back?

According to the dates on my last post, the last time I felt the urge to write, or further yet had the time to write to you all was May 09th 2017. In retrospect that does not seem like an age. In the age of today’s times however, its a couple ages. How do you stay relevant if you’re arent in front of the pack? If you aren’t in people’s faces all the time. A question that many think, once asked, its already too late. Thankfully not a question I have ever asked myself. Not because I do not worry about falling to the wayside, about loosing you guys as my readers and followers, but because that’s just not me and it never has been. I write and I will only write when I feel it come from inside me . 

Having said that. I have a lot to say and a lot to tell you all. A lot has happened, a lot has changed an a lot is currently happening. Things are shifting and shaping. Good and bad, pro’s and con’s as with anyone’s life. I guess we dont all put out lives online for people we don’t know to read and engage with. I guess we aren’t all always as vocal as we should be. I was having this conversation with someone the other day. If nothing else my recent travels have taught me that I know exactly what makes me happy on the inside. I know exactly what direction I want to go and the way I want to get there. I know exactly who I want by my side and who I dont. I know exactly what I have wasted enough time on and what I need to invest more in.

I also know all that is being threatened and that puts my head in a not so positive place. I started this page a few years ago when I came out of therapy. I was in, live in therapy for six months, after I had come through an extremely traumatic and sickening experience in my life. Not the first, most likely not the last but a very bad thing. Something that I would never have been literally rescued from, without the intelligence of the people around me, who knew I was in trouble. Considering what I went through I guess you can call them the Liam Neeson’s of my life at the time. Who’s your Liam Nesson? Do you have one? You need to have one.

Moving along, when I started this page, I distanced myself so far away from the place I had just barely survived to start fresh, and anew. For the first time in my life (literally) I was standing in this place. A place of freedom. I could choose to do anything I wanted with my future. I could do what ever I wanted as a living. I could go where ever I was able to. And I could write and talk to the world. I was so worried that I would never be taken seriously or that people would forever look at me with pity if I started out here with my full story. I haven’t a name for it yet but I am starting to think it should be called The cursed and the saved! Both equally ironic in my situation.

Writing this now, trying to let everyone know what kind of “space” I am currently in, is VERY difficult. It’s hard as fuck to try and let people in on stuff you dont fully understand yourself, but stuff that you KNOW needs to come out already. The years are starting to flow past. The vision and dreams are starting to become realities and I sit upon a mountain peak, with one foot dangling off and one firmly planted on the stone. Yet both stances are being questions and most of all threatened.

Here’s one emotion I am having right now, one I have been having for the past few weeks. Frustration. Oh lord that frustration emotion is most likely one of the most complex, that only tangles itself further from the inside. Now I believe in trying to focus on the silver linings, the white lights, the greener side of the grass and all that. When I see the benefit to not only those around me, but myself included. Does it pay me to focus on the greener grass right now? Or does it pay everyone else if I could just focus on he greener grass?

We all do it. Myself included. Sometimes it would just be so much easier if that person could just not tell the world how broken they are. You know, so we could pretend on pretending that we hadnt noticed, we wouldnt have to deal with all the emotions and responsibility of getting involved and so on. Don’t read this and say you’re not like that. We’re human. We are all like that at times. How you manage that affliction is what makes the difference.

Anyway not loosing track here. I didnt’ know I was going to write this today. I didn’t know I was going to write it now. I do know that I am tired of people not seeing me properly. I feel like people see me through lace blinds, bits and parts but never really a crystal clear image. And that’s not their fault, to an extent. I’d say 95% of the people who are in my life right now, have only come into my life over the last 3 years at max. And all through this place right here. This place I created to be able to share my world of wonders, love, hate, adventure, hurt with. This place that helped me heal after a came from a place of a broken body, a broken mind, a broken heart, a broken mentality. At first I remained protective over my life. My real life. My real name because I was advised too after I was rescued. I was advised by the South African Special Forces (the people who saved my life) to remain off the radar for awhile. I was advised by the therapist that treated me to focus on me for awhile. And quite frankly at that stage I was ready. The paranoia was still very real and the threat even more so. That was then.

This is now.

You see I have realized something very important. Actually I have realized MANY very important things. I feel like NEO in the matrix when the computer feeds him all the information and knowledge. By the end of the transfer he is physically and mentally exhausted. The end result though is he has a new belief, a new faith, a new sense of clarity on the world around him. The way things work. The power within himself. I have that new found person. I am that new found person.

My book is supposed to come out this year. End of this year. The publishers I have been working with, are taking me for a ride, the communication is pretty non existent and I am sure in due time they’ll ask for some insane amount of money, to finish the first steps of being published. In other words. I need a new publisher. Further more, I writer myself I seem to have blocks in my mind. And thus have to narrate my story rather than write it. So need a writer too.

I’ll be starting in the beginning. I’ll be starting with my story and my life as one of South Africa’s first 100 cross culturally adopted babies before 1994. I think that’ll be a good start. And then as a family,a writer to a reader, we’ll walk through some of the other things. The poverty, the abuse, the rapes, the anger, the depression, the rebellion, the rescue, the love, the happiness, the care, the growth. We’ll talk about how things you see in movies, happen. But reality tends to be a bit more disturbing. We’ll talk about the things you see in movies that don’t happen, and that reality can be a lot kinder. Point is. We’ll be talking. I’ll be talking.

I started talking awhile ago. I got to a point where I was doing a very public but closed talks about the experience I had to go into live in therapy for. I talked to groups, people that worked in our country’s judicial system, lawyers, judges, head of polices, human trafficking officials, therapists, other victims and other survivors. Oh I talked. And you know what when I was doing that I was helping people, I was helping myself heal. I want to keep doing that and I cant do that if no one knows, now can I?

So let’s bring it back a bit. Let’s go back to where I said “it’s time”. That’s important. See through thick and thin, up’s and down’s. I actually made something of myself. I built something VERY important to me. More important to me than many will ever understand and many cant. I am still here. I am still standing. You have no idea how significant that is. I had no idea how important that is. I am at a point right now, where I need to change some things, I need to move things along, but I cant do this until I tell my story. Why? Because people can’t engage with someone they don’t know. And no one will ever know me fully until I speak up. Fear is the biggest killer of dreams, passions, growth, love, progress. Fear will kill you if you let it. 

Despite all this. I am so in love with the world around me right now. I want to scream and shout at people, about what a beautiful world, and country we live in. I want to tell people to throw away their cellphones, invest in hiking boots and leave their homes forever. Pack up the kids, pack up grandpa and granny and hit the road jack. It’s not that simple though is it? Or is it? There are two realities here. It is. And it isn’t. And they’re both just as evident and valid as each other. If it was, I would have been a long long time ago,but because it isn’t I now know where I am going.

I’m not saying life is all roses and peaches right now. In fact in this very minute, on this very day, it’s pretty darn freaking upsetting, stressful, frustrating, angering and so on. I am fighting battles I didnt even know where happening, I am trying to navigate a system of confusion, realities and corporate systems that make no sense. Like every person on this planet, there are things happening behind the scenes right now, in my world, in my life that are not great. They’re pretty fucking shit actually, and that’s okay. For the first time, they’re a shit I am willing to fight for, tooth, blood and nail. A HUGE thank you to those who have stood by me, supported me, encouraged me and loved me.

I’m not afraid anymore. What is there to be afraid of anymore? Seriously? What? I’v lived and I have survived through the most gruesome, traumatic, emotional things, why should I let my own voice scare me? Some people will not be ready to hear my story, some people will not understand it, some people will not believe it and some people will shame it. I’m not here for any of them. I am here for you. For the woman that needs to know she is a warrior. For the man that needs to know its okay to not always be one. For the person afraid to upset the status quo and for the person who’s always in trouble for doing so. I am here for them.

Okay, I am afraid of ONE thing. For the first time in my life. I am afraid to DIE. I am afraid to leave this world, without telling a very important story. I am afraid to leave these lands, without seeing more. God this planet is amazing. And that is a good fear. It tell’s me that my healing process is finally coming to a head.

So get ready. Get ready to meet Cecilia. The person behind Ceeces Travel. The best place in the world to stand right now? Is behind me. I’m about to change lives, perspectives, realities, and hearts. I’m going to remind the world, why we need each other. Why we need to love each other more. Support each other. Engage face to face with each other. I am going to remind you just what fucking fantastic human beings, this species are!

Don’t ask me if I am back? I never left.
Cee

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